teaching has its own merits

Whew.

My days as teacher are finally over. Why anyone would ask me to teach... well that's a different story. :P

I was totally dreading this day, not because I would miss the girls or anything, but because last week I was really drained of all energy. I never realized that teaching was such a difficult job. Heck, I respect my former teachers a lot more now. I have no idea how they were able to hold their patience - especially when it came to a totally kulit student like me. I do admit I will miss the kids... Hyperactive teens. Hahaha! :) They may have driven me nuts, but they're really very sweet. They actually want me to come back . Awww....

so everyone's leaving for NYC eh?

Okay. Last night's dinner meeting was a little surreal. I'm beginning to think that this whole "being friendly with the exes" is taking a toll on my sanity. Not that anything bad happened last night. I'm just getting a little weirded out with all of this. :P

I found out that Puffy might leave for NYC to pursue his film career - which seems to be doing quite well. (applause, applause) Of course, it would mean that ANOTHER one of my favorites is leaving. And this is PUFFY, for pete's sake. Hmmm... Rhed and Puffy are both leaving for NYC to make movies. I really hope they don't run into each other. Bwahahahaha!

Oh, and the work stress just keeps piling up. Gotta thank my boss, Mr. Dragon, for making me more schizophrenic than ever. While I do respect him in general... I find that I liked him A WHOLE LOT MORE when I wasn't working for him. He drives me a little crazy sometimes. Okay, most of the time. Thank God for Lia (Puffy's girlfriend) who rescued me from insanity by letting me in on her secret stash of cigarettes. Yippee! We actually had a moment - "Yeah, later let's get together and smoke okay? Wouldn't that be cool?" Hahaha! I thought that was hilarious.

My life is so weird.

why chocolate is indeed bad for me...

In a distorted call-to-diet, the world has proven once again that chocolate can do me no good.

Case-in-point: Puffy leaning over to give me a farewell hug, dropping what seems like a 20-pound backpack on my tender boobies. OWW... :(( I later found out that the bruiser bag was filled with Hershey's. Go figure.

feeling awful again...

28 July 2004
1:00am

I feel awful.

I just spent a couple of hours with tow of my closest, dearest friends. Did I have fun? Yes. So why the hell am I so sad?!?

I know myself pretty well an can pretty much see that I am beginning to try and distance myself from Rhed. I really don't want to, believe me, but everytime he comes close I automatically put up a wall. It pains me because he's leaving in a little over a month. Is this how I really want him to remember me by?

Mic sees it too. She says it's inevitable. Still, I can't help but feel bad about it. I DON'T WANT TO APPEAR COLD ANY MORE THAN I RELISH THE THOUGHT OF HIM LEAVING. This is the problem with being so well-guarded: the minute you decide to stop, your mind gets the better of you and starts to function on its own. It's not that I'm sad he's leaving for Long Island. If anything, I'm excited for him too. How often does one have the chance to pursue their dreams? And with full support from those he loves at that. :) I guess I'm a possesive friend after all. It's just that I don't really allow myself to get close to people - at least, not at this level. I have many friends (I think!) but there are only a select few whom I open up to. I can count with my fingers how many fit into this circle - they're not much. It's just not fair that those who are dearest to me are the ones who have to go away... Ria, Sab, Nico. Now Rhed. Abandonment issues, anyone?

Hmmm... I am reminded of Doc Ock in Spidey 2 (which, incidentally, we just finished watching). Now Doctor Octavius did seem to have SOME semblance of rational though, it's just that the AI got the best of him. He couldn't even control it until it was too late. I don't want that to be me. Why the hell can't I just be normal?!?

Nica once told me that it's useless to try and preempt things by distancing yourself since the outcome is inevitable and you'll end up feeling worse and kicking yourself in the ass. Well I'm kicking myself right now. Puta, Chiko, get a grip!

I think I'm too much of a damn control-freak for my own good.

for good...

Last night, I was up for major "re-bonding" (hehe) with one of my favorite people (and probably only true male friend) Joel. Dinner was yumyum-yummy, Filipino/Japanese food , but nothing beat flipping through his huge pile of photos from his recent US trip.

After dinner, he kidnapped me and took me to his place where we ate yoghurt-covered peanuts (mmmm-mmm) and he made me listen to some songs from the musical, Wicked. The last song practically had me in tears.

FOR GOOD

 

I've heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led

To those who help us most to grow

If we let them

And we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true

But I know I'm who I am today

Because I knew you

 

Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes a sun

Like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

I have been changed for good

 

It well may be

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime

So let me say before we part

So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you

You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

By being my friend

 

Like a ship blown from its mooring

By a wind off the sea

Like a seed dropped by a skybird

In a distant wood

Who can say if

I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

(Because I knew you)

I have been changed for good

 

And just to clear the air

I ask forgiveness

For the things

I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know

There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

 

Like a comet pulled

Like a ship blown

From orbit as it

Off it's mooring

Passes a sun, like By a wind off the

A stream that meets Sea, like a seed

A boulder, half-way Dropped by a

Through the wood Bird in the wood

 

Who can say if

I've been changed for the better?

I do believe

I have been changed for the better?

And because I knew you

Because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good.

 
Suddenly memories of my friends (past and present) filled my head. They say the best kinds of friends are the ones who you don't see all the time - but when you do, it's like they were never gone.

I consider myself very lucky.
 
*The hardest thing you'll ever have to learn is how to say goodbye. (from the mini-series, Taken)

 

poema #20

(as written on 24 July 2004)

Puedo escribir mas tristes los versos esta noche.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

The last time I wrote that verse down was two years ago, something I sent to my friends the night my boyfriend and I had broken up.

I say it again about Rhed, and suddenly I'm feeling much of the emotion I did back then. Again I am being left by someone I love – and though my love for him transcends the romantic, the pain I’m feeling is close to unbearable.

My solace is leaving.

Last night at Dish, I could barely watch the boys' set without breaking down in tears. I realized that the only time I ever stopped was when I was behind the camera, the lens offering me some slight distance, desensitizing me from the reality that he is leaving. If only I could be behind the lens in the next month...

I'm so glad Dee was there to hold my hand and comfort me. I'm sure I must've looked like an idiot, bawling my eyes out. The people in the surrounding tables (waiters included) must've thought I was retarded or something. I had to keep taking trips to the bathroom just to make sure I didn't look like I was crying the whole time. I don't think it helped. He asked me right after if I cried.

Deny to death. Don't let him see you cry.

I vowed a long time ago never to let Rhed see me cry. I've always been good at hiding how I feel. Last night though it couldn't be helped. Poor Eirah who was sitting right next to me - must've thought I had gone mad. Franco even walked in on me crying. How embarrassing. Even Nica, who had called me to let me know she was on her way, wasn't exempt from hearing my sobbing. I had to get out of there. I had to leave Dish. I did not want Rhed to see me sad.

It’s a little embarrassing to display your feelings in front of, well, the world. It’s like parading down 5th Avenue with a placard screaming: “Waaah! He’s leaving!” I guess it’s also because I’m afraid people won’t understand why I’m like this. I’M VERY HAPPY HE’S LEAVING. This is his DREAM. And who am I to react to his leaving like this anyway? It’s not like we’re, well… together. We’re not exactly the best of friends either. We’ve always just been Rhed and Chiko. Although people may never come to understand our sordid relationship, I can tell you this much: HE MEANS THE WORLD TO ME.

Saying goodbye to the boys was difficult. As I hugged and kissed each one in, I had one thought "Things will never be the same." The way Roger looked at me and hugged me... He knew. I think of all the boys, Roger was the one who knew exactly how I was feeling. I had to leave after that, because I could feel the tears coming again.

Like a mad woman, I cried driving home. I cried at the ticket booth, I cried on the road, I cried dropping Nica off, and I cried parking my car. I even cried some more in my room. God only knows why I'm feeling the way I do....

I’ll miss him dearly.

an accurate gaydar, falling on a sprain, mistaken for a ditz and sarah mclachlan

What a day. I'm suddenly feeling so tired and drained, and it isn't even four o'clock.

On the brighter side, my gaydar is getting bettter than ever. Woohoo! I can now tell the difference between a cute metrosexual and a homosexual. I can even pinpoint them with conviction. I think, though, that ever since my gaydar got polished my pattern for falling for gay men has switched to falling for... hehe.

ANYWAY....

Stupid me. I fell on my sprained hand. Like it wasn't painful enough to begin with. I am such a klutz, it's so sad.

Haay. I guess the sprained hand doesn't actually help the perception that I'm smarter than how I look.

Yesterday, the whole marketing team was at UST for a talk. Something about inspiring people to succeed. Now, I'm generally nice and all, but I just couldn't help but be a bitch! Why, you say? Because these arrogant students were treating me like a dumb blonde. Seriously! Like, the wouldn't even let me touch the stupid computer. Hel-lo! PowerPoint isn't exactly rocket science, you know? I'm actually pretty good at techie stuff. Maybe it was the makeup, but I sooo didn't appreciate it. Come on. I was at the top of my class in high school, and a consistent honor student during college. Puta. Nothing irks me more than being treated like an idiot when I know I'm pretty smart. Growl.

More things to be sad about..

Have you ever listened to Sarah Mclachlan's Hold On? Pretty appropriate now that someone whom I love very, very much is actually leaving. Waaaahhh. :'( "Hold on, hold on to yourself. This is gonna hurt like hell..." It's a song about being strong. And of being left. One of my happy thoughts is leaving. And try as I might to be happy, I'm feeling somewhat selfish. Like I don't want this person to go. But I know that person HAS to go. I'm entitiled to feel sad, right?

What do you do when your solace goes away?

a most disastrous presentation

Allow me to rant a little about work here.
 
Last Friday, I arranged a little event for one of our celebrities - former sexpot turned entrepreneur. (I mean, really, is there any other way to go? :P) Well... it was SUPPOSED to be a walk in the park. I was dead wrong. As in. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. Auuuuggghhh. It's a good thing Ana's brilliant. She definitely saved my ass. Whew.
 
On the upside, I did manage to score some great undies. Pretty, pretty. Can't wait to exploit them. Oh, and the dinner at Sugi wasn't so bad either. (Like it's not my favorite Japanese restaurant...)
 
One thing left me wondering though: Sugi's a pretty expensive place. I was shocked to find a table of teenyboppers having dinner there. Hmmm... When I was in high school, I never ate at Sugi with my barkada. Okay, so we did weirder things like rent villas and race golfcarts... or tour Europe. Still, we only ever ate in McDonald's. Either these little girls are getting richer or parents are just giving bigger allowances now...  God, I feel old. 
 
 

cry-baby...

What a big baby I turned out to be.

I finally went to have my wrist x-rayed - only to find out that I have a possible fracture and may need to get a cast. Oh, the horror!!! I HATE pain! Waaah. Butafter going to see the orthopedic surgeon, I am more than relieved to discover that I only have a bad sprain but that I'll need to be in a splint for a week. I look like a bowler, good god.

Of course, the trip to the doctor was not without its moments. Some of which are:

Tears welling in my eyes at the possibility that they might actually find something to poke in my hand.
Tears at the information that I may have a fracture.
Bawling like a baby on the drive to Makati Med.
Calling Mic after crying.
Calling Dee AND crying.

I never knew I could be such a baby. At least the worst is over. Whew.

again from cnn. isn't it adorable? makes you feel warm and fuzzy all over... 

klutz queen

Ouch.

I'm certainly no stranger to pain... but I think my predisposition for getting into stupid accidents is getting way off-hand. Last week, I injured my wrist trying to break a fall. It's swollen now, and painful, so I think I'll really have to go see a doctor.

I blame it all on my office. Well, mostly.

You see, it's taken months for them to get me a chair. Who would've thought, huh? Nine months in the company and I'm still nomadic. Even the new kids get chairs. God only knows why it took them so long to get me one. Anyway, while resting my knee on a borrowed chair, I accidentally knelt on a screw. Ouch! So I toppled. Tried to catch myself but ended up injuring my right wrist.

No, Mark, I didn't injure it because of the OTHER thing. Besides, I'm LEFT-handed ;)

Since I usually fall, I didn't think there was anything seriously wrong with me. So i drove, carried stuff, and did all the no-no's. The result: my current swollen and painful wrist. Waaah. I hate pain. Now I have to go and have it x-rayed. (I wonder if there are any cute doctors in the ER. Wishful thinking.)

The good news? They FINALLY got me a chair.

heigh-ho...

Some days, I feel like nothing much is going on at work. Then there are days when there is nothing to do BUT work. Today is one of them.

Thanks to our dirty, rotten, bottom-dwelling (and by this I'm being nice) competition, my phone has been beeping and ringing non-stop. The "roly-poly" doctor couple, as they were nicknamed in school, are trying once more to lay claim on something we pioneered in the country. This is the umpteenth time. It's getting quite annoying, actually. I swear, one day I won't be able to help myself and I'll just shoot them. But that's the easy way out. I'm always up for a challenge anyway.

Competition is good, no?

from the journal of an e-book virgin

Yes, yes. Time to recant my former aversion to the e-book. Read on...


I love books. I love to read. In fact, I sometimes prefer to stay home on a “party weekend” and just curl up under the comforter with a good book. There’s a certain comfort in the turning of a page… The way the paper feels under your fingers, the anticipation and excitement of what lies beyond the next sheet.

This is what makes me a “real book purist.”

Now, I’m no stranger to technology. In fact, I’ve always used a PDA, from my Compaq Aero to my Palm V, my Tungsten (whom I lovingly refer to as my “Yungsten” and was sadly stolen from me at a mall – damn leather casing made it look like a wallet!) to my current toy, my T3. And while I’ve always installed a doc reader in every one of them, they were hardly put to good use. Why? Because I believe nothing is better than a real book.

E-book enthusiasts, don’t get me wrong. An e-book is still a book. It’s just not the type I prefer. I compare it to immersing yourself in a Van Gogh and simply admiring a print of one. Now I know many of you are already secretly plotting to lynch me for this opinion – don’t. I’m slowly recanting my aversion to the e-book.

Last night, I finished reading my first (ever) e-book – The Da Vinci Code – and I absolutely, positively enjoyed every minute of it.

E-books are portable, so I am told. You can carry a massive volume of work in your handbag and have room to spare for, say, makeup and the car keys. You can also read in the dark. Hmmm. I don’t know if my ophthalmologist will approve, but hey… at least it’s a little illuminated. One thing I worried about when I started reading was that I wouldn’t know where I left off. Stupid, Chiko. There’s a bookmark function that comes with the reader and it comes in very, very handy. The one thing you can always count on when reading an e-book: it’s going to take a heck of a lot to damage. Hmph. That would’ve saved me from a lot of trauma having lent many books to friends over the years. I was lucky if the spine was still intact, if the book was even returned at all. Another cool feature that e-books have is the ability to zoom in on an image.

Flashback to 1988, and the movie “Big.”

I remember one of the suggestions Tom Hanks’ character made in the movie. An electronic comic book that allowed kids to interact with the story. The corporates in the movie didn’t find it viable, even marketable, and so turned it down. Smirk, smirk. Look at us know. An eerie prediction into the wonderful world of the PDA.

Yet another interesting feature of the e-book reader is the ability to instantly look up a word in the dictionary. Coolness. If you’re one of those people who absolutely refuses to admit he doesn’t know the meaning of a word, this is perfect for you. It’s instant gratification for word junkies.

Neater still is that you never get sore from reading an e-book with one hand. Maybe a sore finger, from scrolling, but not a sore arm or hand. I have a tendency to roll around in bed and change positions while reading. Believe me, it’s hard (even painful) to read on certain positions. With my T3, I can roll around all I want. Yippee. Oh, and if you don’t want to even hold the book, you can leave your PDA on its cradle. Pretty neat, wouldn’t you say?

All in all, I found my first “experience” with the e-book very satisfying. I still have a preference for an actual paperback (seems like it takes a renewed meaning for me) but e-books are now definitely a welcome option.

exes, old friends, and a power-tripping glorified security guard

Okay. First things first.

On a twistedly happy note, last Thursday I attended the MTV Awards with the boys. They were nominated for Favorite New Artist kasi. So I was... Ed Bighead's "date." Hmmm... Not only was the red-carpet walk absolutely surreal, but the entire event was a blast from my past. As in, TOTALLY. Saw my crushest-of-the-moment there, as an old schoolmate's date (waaaah!) as well as MANY, MANY college friends and even some from my barkada.

Chiko: Omigodomigodomigod! What are you doing here?!?
Mark(UBER-SARCASTIC): Uh, duh. We're always here at the coolest events.

Should've figured as much anyway. It was a pleasant surprise. I miss those friends of mine. College was a blast and they all figured in it some way. I guess I'm quite different from the way I was back then, now all girlie and dressing up and wearing make-up, and BOY, DID I GET IT FROM THEM.

Mark (on my outfit and makeup): O, kelan ka kakanta?
Chiko: Hahaha. What-ever.

Oh, this is the second time both my exes are professionally appearing together. The first was the MEG magazine issue... now this. I swear. It's a little sad on my part, methinks. I look pathetic. I think they were amused, at least I was. Puffy was really a darling, although rolled his eyes when he found out who I was with. Ay.

Miss you Mark, Alia, Chris, Ramon, Neva, Quark and Lia.

I really must diet though. Caress, an old friend back from my Fuse days, said... "Hey, you're getting really... healthy. Prettier, but healthy."

Kill me now.

Now to the bad stuff...

I absolutely REFUSE to recount yesterday's fiasco, but I DO want to rant about that scumbag security guard. Busy? Busy, my foot! All he was doing was holding a megaphone saying "Hoy, bawal mag-park diyan!" Like the world will cease to exist if he didn't do that. And it's not like the main office DIDN'T ask me to come get him. Asshole. I SWEAR I WILL HAVE YOU FIRED.

I'm not mean nor heartless, believe me. And I certainly DO NOT look down on people. But he deserves to be looked down on. The way he treated me, the way he spoke to me... that's just not right. I know I give off the impression that I'm a ditz, a flighty, frivolous little girl who has nothing on her brain but the color pink but still... He acted like he was, no not a KING... a god. Oh, and while ranting to a friend who lives in the village where the incident occured, it seems the guy has a track record. I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS. I WILL NOT BE SPOKEN TO NOR TREATED THAT WAY.

So there. Off to have him THROWN OFF HIS "HIGH-HORSE."